Written by Mahmud Jega, mmjega@dailytrust.com
Sunday, 29 July 2007

a go-slow affair. Not quite like the Lagos end of the Lagos-Ibadan Expressway at sunset, but a bit like Abuja’s AYA junction at the close of work.

Many Nigerians do not mind a government with the fury of a hurricane, which is why many old timers still speak wistfully of General Murtala Muhammed. However, within the eye of this hurricane, people also expect to see the Wisdom of Solomon and the compassion of Mother Teresa.

With lack of ministers no more an excuse, the tasks that now confront the president can be likened to the Twelve Tasks of Hercules in the old Greek mythology. Hercules had killed his wife and children in a fit of madness and, as penance, was ordered to undertake the 12 labours. The man who arranged the coming of the Yar’adua administration had killed free election, African dignity, democracy’s spirit and the peoples’ aspiration in one fit of, well, near madness, so someone must undertake a penance in order to purify the place.

The first task assigned to Hercules by King Eurystheus was to kill the Nemean Lion, a vicious monster with a skin so thick that it was impregn-able to most weapons, and which had been terrorising the people. The first task of penance assigned to Yar’adua is to change the face of government from one that is haughty, abrasive, aggressive, walkabout, know-all, with a severe mien, a scowling face and a skin impervious to reason. In short, he must kill the governmental Nemean Lion which has been terrorising the people of Nigeria.

Hercules’ second task was to slay the Lernaean Hydra, a serpent-like water beast with numerous heads and a poisonous breath. Yar’adua’s second task is to slay the monster of fuel price and VAT increases in Nigeria. From 1999 to 2007, wages rose only twice but fuel prices moved 12 times, mostly upwards. He has already promised to hold down the current prices for another year, but who knows what will happen thereafter?

Hercules’ third task was to capture the Ceryneian Hind, with its golden antlers, bronze hooves and which could run faster that an arrow in flight. Hercules had to chase it up and down Greece for a whole year. Yar’adua’s third task is to curb the excesses of government, such as running down public corporations in order to sell them off to cronies at a pittance. He has already recovered the oil refineries that were sold in May in less than transparent circumstances, but who knows what will happen next year, since the "preferred bidders" said they are still waiting?

Hercules’ fourth task was to capture the Erymanthian Boar, a dangerous animal that lived on Mount Erymanthos. Yar’adua’s fourth task, then, is to capture the fleeing soul of Nigerian universities, personified by decaying facilities, striking lecturers and dispirited students, and return it to the campuses. He has already sweet-talked ASUU into calling off its three-month long strike, but whether the collision with resume at later date, remains to be seen.

Hercules’ fifth task was to clean the Augean Stables. King Augeas had the largest cattle herd in Greece and had never cleaned the stables, so Hercules had to divert two rivers in order to flush them. Yar’adua’s fifth task is to clean the Nigerian Augean Stable of corruption, and it is doubtful if the waters of the Niger, Benue, Cross River, Osun, Anambra, Imo, Kaduna, Rima, Komadugu-Yobe and Gongola rivers combined could wash Nigeria clean of corruption. But he must try.

Hercules’ sixth task was to capture the Stymphalian Birds, man-eating birds that had claws of brass, metallic wings and highly toxic droppings. This is akin to assigning Alhaji Umaru Yar’adua to rescue the rule of law in Nigeria from governmental arbitrariness, abuse of power and crude partisanship. He started well, by ordering the Solicitor General to quickly give effect to the Supreme Court order removing Chief Andy Ubah and by returning Lagos local governments’ illegally seized funds. Yet, there are many more Stymphalian Birds of arbitrariness out there that he must catch.

Hercules’ seventh task was to capture the Cretan Bull. This is much like sending Alhaji Umaru Yar’adua to capture the Federal battering ram against state autonomy in the last eight years. Federal agencies such as the police, Federation Account Allocation Committee, Central Bank and EFCC have severely eroded state autonomy over the years, and the president must be sent to recapture it as his seventh task.

The eighth task of Hercules was to steal the Mares of Diomedes, four wild, man-eating horses belonging to the giant Diomedes. No one is asking President Yar’adua to steal anything, but his next task is to go and rescue the soul of PDP, hidden somewhere in a pigsty at Ottah Farm. At the last count, 28 of the original Group of 34 men that founded PDP a scant nine years ago have been hounded out of the party. The reconciliation committee headed by Dr. Alex Ekwueme would do its best, but if President Yar’adua would continue to follow someone at short notice to attend an illegal meeting of the party Board of Trustees, then he may never accomplish this task.

Hercules’ ninth task was to retrieve the girdle of Hippolyta, a magical girdle given to the Amazonian queen by her father Ares, the Greek god of warfare. Now, President Yar’adua has set for himself the task of amending the Constitution, ostensibly to give a role to traditional rulers. All the roles in the world have already been shared out by the 1999 Constitution to the three tiers of government. If Yar’adua knows any roles that have not been assigned, he should feel free to mention them, before Nigerians would listen to this idea.

The tenth task of Hercules was to go and snatch the Cattle of Geron, a fearsome titan with three heads, three bodies and six arms who lived on Erytheia Island. This task is akin to sending the President to retrieve NEPA’s generating stations, transmission lines, transformers and distribution wires, not to mention its prepaid meters, from the three-headed, three-bodied, six-handed monster of inefficiency, power failure and outrageous bills that has custody of them. Certainly Mr. President is set to try, because he accepted the very poor advice to make himself Minister of Energy, with three small ministers in charge of power, petroleum and gas. That way, he has denied himself what American politicians call "plausible deniability". He should give the ministry to someone else, so that when PHCN again fails next year, as it well might, he would score a political point with the gullible public by sacking the minister!

The eleventh task of Hercules was to retrieve apples from the Garden of Hesperides. He managed to get this done by enlisting the help of Atlas the Giant, and Hercules had to hold the heavens on his shoulders while Atlas went to retrieve the apples. The president’s eleventh task is to retrieve the Abuja Master Plan without defying court orders, substituting one illegality for another, replacing one governmental racket with a private-sector racket, and without causing too much misery to the people who obeyed the earlier calls of government and came to Abuja. It is an artful task, but the new FCT Minister, who is tall and strong, should be able to carry the heavens on his shoulders while the President retrieves the Abuja apples.

The final task of Hercules was to capture Cerberus, a hellhound dog with 50 heads that guards the gate of Hell, allowing people to enter, but not allowing anyone to come out. This makes a good comparison with Alhaji Umaru Yar’adua’s last task, which is to capture the hellhound of election rigging, malpractice, ballot-box stuffing, declaration of results where no elections took place, and "compiling" results before the returning officers bring them. Right now, guarding the gates to the Election Hell are some people at INEC, the equivalent of Cerberus. The President may be very grateful to them for ensuring that he is now sitting atop the pile, but if he does not capture this Cerberus, then his whole mission in the State House is in jeopardy.